


The Show Must Go On

by urami



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Disguise, Gen, Inappropriate Humor, It's hard being Kylo Ren, kink meme fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 22:40:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5683654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urami/pseuds/urami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for a prompt on tfa-kink. </p><p>Due to the serious nature of the injuries he sustained, Kylo Ren cannot carry out his duties as normal. Snoke decides that the Resistance absolutely cannot be allowed to know how seriously he was injured, and orders Hux to pretend to be Kylo Ren until he has recovered. Poor Hux is going to learn exactly how complicated Kylo's life can be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Show Must Go On

RB-1994 stepped quickly down the gloomy hallway, doing everything he could to hide exactly how nervous he was. As a doctor, he didn’t have the benefit of a standard-issue helmet to hide his expressions. And of course, it wasn’t every day that a plain old, nothing special doctor was called to speak to the Supreme Leader about the condition of his protégé. Especially when said protégé was currently lying in the infirmary whacked out on the strongest drugs in the galaxy.

Outside of the meeting chambers, General Hux was already waiting for him with his usual pinched expression. “Do not speak unless you have been spoken to first,” he warned, glaring down at the doctor. Privately, the doctor considered that wasn’t going to be a problem, he didn’t want to speak at all.

Both Hux and the doctor paused, waited for the order enter, then did so. RB-1994 had never actually been this close to the Supreme Leader’s hologram before, and no matter how many times he’d seen it from a distance it was never enough to prepare him for the reality of seeing it up close. The man was absolutely enormous.

“RB-1994 has been in charge of Kylo Ren’s recovery, sir,” Hux introduced him. He intended to go on, but Snoke interrupted him.

“Tell me his status. Will he be ready to return to his duties by this afternoon?”

“Absolutely not, sir. Not only did Lord Ren sustain massive internal organ damage from the crossbow bolt, not to mention the broken bones and lacerations he sustained during the collapse of Starkiller Base. Even with advanced healthcare he will still need at least a month to recover. And that’s assuming the reaction he had to the medication wasn’t permanent,” the doctor replied. Snoke frowned.

“What do you mean, ‘the reaction he had to the medication?’” he asked.

“He had a bad reaction to the analgesic we gave him and alternates between thinking he’s a tauntaun and thinking the medical staff are either trying to eat him for lunch. He thought Captain Phasma was his mother and trying to make him study. Even if he was physically able to do his duties, he is certainly not in any mental condition to do anything of any use,” the doctor replied. Snoke’s frown deepened.

“In that case, there’s only one thing to do. We cannot allow the Resistance to know that they seriously injured Kylo Ren, it will give them confidence and they will just continue their attempts to overthrow us. Tomorrow there’s a meeting between Lord Ren and the leader of Nylax. Fortunately for us, Lord Ren wears those robes and masks. General Hux… will take his place.”

Both RB-1994 and General Hux looked at each other with absolute terror. There was no way this was going to end well.

* * *

 

The first few hours impersonating Kylo Ren were quite difficult for Hux. Kylo was quite a bit taller than him, and until one of the droids could be spared from routine armor maintenance to shorten the robes, he spent an afternoon tripping on them. Nothing was less imposing than a supposed “leader” who tripped on his hems every five minutes, and more than once he caught a few Stormtroopers snickering to themselves when they thought he wasn’t looking. He supposed it was just schadenfreude, since Kylo was known to be fairly hard on them, but it still stung a bit. Really, who taught them to be so damn _rude?_

It also didn’t help that Phasma seemed to think his predicament was the funniest thing she had ever seen and spent most of the afternoon bowing sarcastically to him, and asking if he needed help (with enough creeping obsequiousness to choke a rathtar) every time he tripped. He couldn’t even fall back on using the helmet’s voice-changer to vocalize his displeasure, since Phasma sent herself into crippling, wheezing laughter every time he said something using it.

“This must be payback for something,” he groused. Phasma chuckled, her helmet distorting the sound.

“Well you did fail to destroy the Resistance and the map got away. And don’t start with that being Lord Ren’s fault,” she interrupted before Hux had a chance to object. “If your troops had gotten that droid back on Jakku there wouldn’t have been a need for any of this!”

“MY TROOPS?” Hux yelled through the voice-changer. “MY TROOPS? Need I remind you that FN-2187 was part of your squadron? You were the one who cleared him for duty in the first place!”

“With Lord Ren’s approval,” Phasma sniffed. “Make that _your_ approval, since you are, of course, Lord Ren.” She cracked herself up.

Hux just sniffed, turned on his heel, and stalked out of the room, only tripping once. With as much dignity as he could muster, he spent the rest of the day ignoring anything Phasma said. Let her deal with anything that came up on her own, since she clearly wasn’t able to properly respect authority.

* * *

The next day, Hux-as-Kylo had a meeting with the Empress of Nylax. The remote planet was rich in resources and useful as a fueling station, but Snoke had decided that simply taking it over and slaughtering the inhabitants was not beneficial to the overall goals- possibly because the radon-rich atmosphere was dangerous for anyone except for the Nylaxians to spend much time there, even with breathing apparatus in place. Since the Nylaxians could also breathe oxygen without any danger, negotiations took place on the First Order’s turf.

The Nylaxian empress was a humanoid with gray skin, extremely sharp teeth, and greenish-black hair elaborately styled into a braided updo. As soon as Hux-as-Kylo entered the room, she fixed him with a lecherous grin that was entirely too much teeth for Hux’s comfort.

“Lord Kylo Ren,” she purred, “It has been entirely too long. Have you given any more thought to my proposal? It would serve you well.”

Hux froze. What proposal? Kylo had never mentioned any sort of proposal on the part of the Empress before.

“Empress Reki, it is good to see you as well. I am afraid you will need to remind me of the proposal you are speaking of. As you said, it has been far too long.”

The empress’s unsettling smile only grew wider. “You silly boy! Surely you haven’t forgotten already? I do believe you said I was the best you’d ever had! High praise indeed coming from a Knight of Ren. But the offer still stands, anytime you wish to become my official consort just say the word. I’ll whisk you off to the second moon, and we’ll stay in my summer palace until one of my worthless scientists comes up with a proper breathing apparatus. Then we can live on Nylax proper.” She then said something in her native language that the translation software in Kylo’s helmet took a moment to decipher. As soon as the Standard words were whispered into his ear, Hux blanched. He _really_ did not need to know that about Nylaxian female anatomy, and he _definitely_ did not need to know that Kylo could apparently do that with his tongue. He _especially_ did not need to know that about Kylo Ren’s proclivities.

Trying his best to get his emotions under control, Hux stammered out, “A-ah, thank you for your kind offer, Your Imperial Highness, but I am afraid I am still needed here.”

“Pty, the empress replied, looking rather put out. “I was so looking forward to keeping you locked in my chambers naked for the next cycle or two.”

“Maybe when the war is over,” Hux said noncommittally. And there it was, that toothy smile was back.

“In that case, please do tell me what you need. Whatever you want, you will get, my little snarglepuff,” the empress giggled, booping the mask with her long, clawed finger right where Hux’s nose would have been. “Tell mama what you need.”

Hux left that meeting with way more knowledge of Nylaxian reproductive practices and Kylo Ren’s sexual prowess than he ever wanted or needed. Right before they left the meeting room as well, the empress had groped him through all of those robes, and a small frown appeared on her face. “Did you shrink? Are you well? You haven’t got the Kuyper pox, have you? If you do I’ll send my personal doctor to attend to you.”

“Um, no, new regulation underwear,” Hux replied, rather insulted. As though this couldn’t get any worse…

“Well, then next time, when we have more time together you’ll have to show me these new shorts of yours,” the empress replied, smirking with all of those teeth again.

“Of course. Next time,” Hux replied, swearing that even if Kylo wasn’t recovered by then, he was going frog-march him into that meeting room himself.

At least the First Order got a very favorable deal out of it.

* * *

The next day only brought bad news. Since he’d reacted so badly to the first painkiller they’d tried on him, the doctors had decided to disconnect the drip from Kylo. Once the drugs wore off, the pain was so severe that Kylo had force-choked the entire medical staff and then tried to stab out his own throat to get away from the pain. One of the surviving nurses had stuck a different drip into him, but he had a bad reaction to that one as well. Now instead of thinking he was a tauntaun or that the staff was trying to eat him, this one just made him go catatonic. Kylo lay on the cot, tongue lolling out, staring at the ceiling. He made no move the suggested that he recognized Hux, or his clothes, or really, anything.

“We can’t risk taking him off the medication until we’re sure he won’t be in any more pain, sir,” RB-1994 said, looking awkwardly at the floor. “We will just have to endure it until he has recovered There is some good news though, the amount of pain he was in suggests that the organ-regeneration is working. If things continue to go according to the timeline, he will be back on his feet in about a month.”

“A month?” Hux groaned. “That’s too long! Unacceptable! You have two weeks!”

“Sir, I don’t think that’s going to be possible…”

“YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO GO TO THAT TRADE MEETING WITH THE EMPRESS OF NYLAX! YOU DIDN’T GET GROPED BY A CREEPY ALIEN THAT LOOKED LIKE SHE WANTED TO EAT ME AS MUCH AS FUCK ME! AAAARGH I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!” Hux exploded. Acting on instinct, he activated Kylo’s light saber. As one, the medical staff took a step back.

“Sir, please, you’ll disturb the patients!” one of the nurses exclaimed, wringing her tentacles nervously.

“GOOD1” Hux shouted. “Maybe it will wake his useless ass up!” He stepped closer to Kylo, glaring contemptuously at the helpless man sprawled on the cot. The medical staff gasped. RB-1994 grabbed a radio and attempted to call for help, but one swing of the energy weapon later he was left holding a burned-out electronic wreck.

“Stand aside, madam,” Hux snapped at the tentacled nurse, who had jumped in front of Kylo’s cot. The alien stared him down.

“You’re going to kill him!”

“No, I’m not, then I’d be stuck impersonating his useless ass!” Hux yelled. “Now get out of the way!” The nurse reluctantly did so, and Hux had a clear shot at Kylo Ren. It would be so easy. One swing and he’d be free of the overly-dramatic, obnoxious Force user. But if he did, he’d likely be stuck impersonating him until Snoke decided it was acceptable to reveal that Kylo Ren was dead. And that could be years. Hux couldn’t take it anymore. With a primal, enraged yell, he swung the weapon at the monitor next to Kylo- it didn’t seem to be hooked up to anything vital, and just seemed to be measuring his heart rate, rate of respiration, and body temperature. A few moments later, the monitor was a pile of smoking rubble, the medical staff were watching him with horrified eyes, and Kylo Ren was still lying there, for all intents and purposes dead to the world.

Panting, Hux looked at his handiwork, and felt a strange sense of peace. _Huh. That’s kind of relaxing_ _…_ _I guess I see why he does that all the time._ Reality set back in in a moment later, though. _Damn. I’m going to have to fill out the paperwork for that thing, won’t I?_

* * *

 

 The final straw came a few days later. First, somehow the Resistance had managed to track them down, and all signs pointed to that little sand-dweller wanting a rematch. There were two problems with that: one, Hux barely knew how to use a light saber in the first place, and secondly, he had no control over the Force. Luckily for him, Phasma chased them off. It seemed the Resistance had somehow managed to find their way into the ship by sneaking in through a pipe. The same pipe that led to the baths. Apparently they came out through the drain while the captain was enjoying a nice bubble bath. Neither Phasma nor the Resistance fighters had been expecting to find each other in the bathtub, but Phasma recovered first and stuffed the fighters down the drainpipe with extreme prejudice.

Still, it was enough of a hassle and potential threat that Hux decided there was no way this could go on. It just wasn’t tenable. Kylo Ren was going to get his ass out of that bad and do his damn job whether he was healthy or not. Even if he had to go in front of everyone acting like a tauntaun he was going to carry out his duties like a proper member of the First Order.

“ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!” Hux hollered, barging into the medical bay once more. This time, however, the doctors barely showed any reaction. Belatedly, Hux realized that a number of them were sporting a few more bumps, bruises, and cuts than they had the last time he’d been in the infirmary. The reason became clear almost immediately.

“Get this damn needle out of me! I’m feeling fine! DON’T TOUCH ME, you useless son of a Hutt! And untie me immediately!” Kylo Ren had woken up, and was coherent this time.

“Sir, SIR!” one of the nurses noticed Hux. “Thank the stars you’re here! You’ve got to stop him somehow! He’s been in such a mood since the drugs wore off- he doesn’t seem to be in any distress other than being incredibly angry.” Hux watched dispassionately as Kylo attempted to Force-choke RB-1994, although since he couldn’t use his hands it didn’t work very well. All that happened was that the doctor was sent crashing to the floor- while a bit painful, it wasn’t fatal.

“DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME? LET ME GO!” the dark-haired man roared, thrashing around in his bonds. “Untie me so I can choke you properly!”

“Quit terrorizing the medical staff!” Hux shouted through the mask’s voice-changer. Kylo Ren froze, looked up, and saw what appeared to be… himself, glowering down at the cot.

“Maybe I need more of those drugs after all…” he muttered. Hux snorted.

“Not hardly. Since you’re awake and coherent that means I don’t have to pretend to be you anymore. Believe me, it wasn’t exactly fun. It will certainly be a relief to not have to stalk around here like someone stuck a stick up my ass and destroy things if someone does something that would piss you off.”

“Who the hell are you!?” Kylo shouted, looking really quite alarmed. “Is anyone else seeing this? It’s not just me, right?!”

Hux unhooked the helmet and removed it, so he could properly glare at Kylo. Kylo sat there staring, mouth agape. “You’re not crazy, you’re not high, and _will you wipe that stupid expression off your face? It’s pissing me off!”_

“Why are you wearing my clothes.” It wasn’t a question.

“Really? THAT’S your only question?”

“It’s a valid question! Seriously, what are you doing? Are you trying to undermine my authority? Thought you’d have some fun pretending to me and making me look like an idiot in front of the troops? I’LL KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD!” Kylo screeched, struggling all the more futilely against his restraints.

“Not hardly,” Hux snorted, not alarmed in the least. It was actually rather funny, seeing Kylo Ren flop around like a beached fish. “You think I’m doing this because I want to? I was _ordered_ to. By the Supreme Leader. It seems that pretending to be you was necessary. If the Resistance found out that they’d wounded you they’d think they’d be able to overthrow us. Thanks for that, by the way.”

“Uh, you’re welcome?”

“I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!”

“Oh.”

“Anyway, it’s a good thing you’re well now. You can resume your duties and I’ll go back to mine.” Kylo looked at him, shrugged, then nodded.

“Fine. Just untie me, I’ll make an appearance for the troops, and make sure it gets out to the Resistance.”

Hux was so happy that he wasn’t going to have to keep up the ridiculous charade any longer, so he went immediately went to untie Kylo Ren.

For the next few weeks, nobody saw Hux anywhere. Well, anyone except for the infirmary staff, that was.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not entirely happy with the ending, but eh. Wasn't really sure how else to end it, and this was really fun to write. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
